Big Girl Pants (Not the Maternity Kind)

People have been asking me how my new job is going.  I find myself not wanting to talk about it, for a variety of reasons.

I'm not sure how I feel about it yet.  Some of my initial reactions have been quite negative, but since I have a history of feeling that way when faced with a new job in a new field, I have been trying to fight those feelings.  And, since it is not full-time and I have not yet completed very much paid work, I have been resisting the urge to say terrible things about it.  The lulls in the schedule have also provided welcome moments for me to step back, take breaks to do something else when I have wanted to run screaming in the other direction.

My biggest frustration is the significant lack of paid training (only four hours and none of them with an actual client), which has led me to spend many hours at home trying to better understand how to do the job well.  There are a few other tricky aspects of it, the main one being that I am considered self-employed, which creates a lot of work in terms of understanding how to deal with the tax ramifications of my pay, my time, and my expenses.  It does not bother me to learn about this, since I would have to learn this anyway if I ever started a business of my own, but it does mean that I'm faced with a lot of unfamiliar tasks in the short term.

I have also been reflecting on the positive aspects of the job, since considering those helps me stay focused during the moments when I wonder if this was a terrible idea.  The positive aspects of the work are giving me good food for thought as I continue to consider my work future.  I even wrote down that list in my planner, so I can be easily reminded from time to time why I am doing something that is causing me discomfort.  I won't go into the list here, but for now I will say that the timing was right for me to put on my big-girl pants and try this, even if it is uncomfortable.  It's a lot of pressure on my husband to be the only earner in the household and with the unplanned break in his contracts this winter, the timing is good for me to help fill the gap so that we can continue to work toward our financial goals.

I'm not sure how busy I will be with work prior to our baby's arrival, since the timing of client arrivals is unpredictable, and I am hoping to do some travel prior to my 34 week travel ban.  I'm also not yet sure if I will want to do continue this work after the baby, or if it would even be financially worth it with the cost of childcare, but for now I am trying to stay calm and remain focused on doing something because seems like what I should do, both personally, and for our household.